


Things You Get Right

by TenSpencerRiedPlease



Series: Thing You Get Podcast [2]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Alternate Universe, Humor, M/M, Omega Tony Stark, Thor is Trying ok, Thor is precious, Tony Feels, mentions of abuse, podcast au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-20
Updated: 2019-02-20
Packaged: 2019-11-01 12:14:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17867063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TenSpencerRiedPlease/pseuds/TenSpencerRiedPlease
Summary: Tony turns to Thor, “pull your weight. You introduce us,” he says.Thor wrinkles his nose, “how do we even do that? I can’t remember the script.”Val lets out a long sigh, “say the damn name of the podcast and what we do, genius.”“Oh, right. Welcome to Things You Get Wrong, a podcast that routinely gets morons sending hate mail because I guess they must be Jared, 19.”





	Things You Get Right

“You say it,” Tony says to Val, who sighs.

“No, Thor say it. People have pointed out that it’s always us who introduces stuff so make Thor pull his weight,” she says.

Tony turns to Thor, “yeah, pull your weight. You introduce us,” he says.

Thor wrinkles his nose, “how do we even do that? I can’t remember the script.”

Val lets out a long sigh, “say the damn name of the podcast and what we do, genius.”

“Oh, right. Welcome to Things You Get Wrong, a podcast that routinely gets morons sending hate mail because I guess they must be Jared, 19.”

Tony throws his head back and laughs and Val cracks up too. “Anyone who doesn’t understand memes doesn’t know what the hell you just said, but that’s okay. So, first show after the holidays. How does everyone feel about that?” Val asks like they don’t all know what the other did over the holidays. They spent the whole time together but Thor apparently has opinions anyway because he starts talking.

“Well, Loki and I went to see that new Grinch movie,” he says and Tony wrinkles his nose. “Yeah, I know but I thought fine, maybe this version won’t disappoint me-” he starts and Val cuts him off.

“Wait, aren’t you a practicing pagan? Why would you watch a Christmas movie?”

Good question but something tells Tony Thor has an answer to that. “Because, every time I watch this _stupid_ film I think _maybe_ this time when the Grinch steals Christmas someone will say good! Christmas stole Yule first! This is payback you asshole Christians!” he says and Tony starts laughing.

“We’re going to get so much hate for this,” Val says as Tony wheezes.

“Hate mail? For what? I _want_ that damn war on Christmas, maybe Christians will fuck off and get their own damn holiday instead of stealing one from the pagans!” Thor says and Tony doubles over. He hopes his wheezing doesn’t show up on the audio but he suspects it will.

“Oh my god this episode is going to be so controversial basically because Thor hates green furries,” he says.

“No hate to Christians,” Val throws out to try and appease their Christian audience, Tony guesses.

“Full hate to Christians, get your own holiday! I’m so tired of Christians acting like someone is going to steal their holiday, they’re just mad about the possibility someone will do to them what they did to other people! Anyway, what’s today’s topic?” Thor asks, going from ready to slap the nearest Christian to sweet in two seconds flat.

Val sighs, “any angry Christians, you guys _did_ steal a bunch of pagan holidays to assimilate people into your religion so please stay out of our Twitter DMs. Please,” she says, pleads really.

“Yeah, I don’t want to be dealing with Christianity stans either, just let Thor have his anger over Yule being stolen,” Tony adds.

“And now everyone thinks pagans are witches and that they hail gods that expect human sacrifice like all those pagan gods on Supernatural! Sam and Dean can eat my ass, I hate that show!” Thor adds, apparently having a surprising amount of pent up rage on this one topic. Tony and Val look at him for a moment and he sighs, “I’m sorry, misinformation upsets me,” he says, looking much like a kicked dog.

Tony sighs, “we’ll add some information on paganism to the show notes and yes, it does involve dancing naked in forests while drinking wine,” Tony says, laughing when Thor gives him a dirty look. “Okay, okay, before Thor kills me we’re talking about… porn!” he says and Thor frowns.

“I don’t remember this being a topic we discussed,” he says. “Is this child friendly?”

“Surprisingly, yes. Mostly we’re talking about whether or not porn results in violence against omegas,” Val says.

Thor nods, “oh right, now I remember. Sorry our show calendar got messed up and now I’m confused- continue. Actually, this seems like the kind of thing that could be true but I don’t really know much about it,” he adds.

Yeah, Tony would have thought that too- not in that… strict of terms, but still. “It isn’t. Like at all, but not for the reasons you might think,” he says. “Val?”

“Yeah, right. So all kinds of minorities have pointed this out- that representing people in stereotypical ways results in a reinforcement of those stereotypes. Now before some asshole tries to eat my ass everyone knows the difference between fantasy and reality- the problem isn’t the inability to separate the two so much as reabsorbing already acceptable cultural stereotypes about certain groups of people,” she says.

Tony nods, “which, by the way, requires that group of people that have stereotypes leveled against them that are being reinforced to actually work. For those who don’t know what that looks like I mean every black woman being sassy, or every omega for some reason looking like they’re on the edge of orgasm but is also a virgin, etc. Point is, if things don’t line up right its just a bunch of fiction stuff, like Slasher for those who remember that episode. The reverse of that, alphas killing omegas in slashers, only results in narratives in which they’re deserving of their deaths because the wider culture _already_ condemns them for being sexually active, outside the home, and not taking care of kids. So a highly specific cocktail before the reality and fiction blending thing even happens,” he says.

“Which is why characters like Hannibal don’t result in cannibals- we just find a character like that fascinating because he’s fucked up. But watch James Bond and the way he treats his omega companions is treated as the pinnacle of alphahood and we see that reflected in the way alphas worship his character and in the way they treat omegas,” Val says. “And sometimes betas,” she adds, “but that’s because we _already_ treated betas and omegas like objects and have for like. Ever. Not because we watched a two hour movie and collectively decided to oppress people.”

“If we’re following that logic alphas should stop getting pissed off about omegas supposedly being weak with no personalities because its obvious that that’s what everyone thinks of them given how they’re written for TV and movies. Also, I don’t understand why alphas resent being charged with confronting danger and protecting omegas- we literally did that to ourselves so we should shut up about it and run away with the omegas is we’re _that_ concerned with our safety,” Thor says, rolling his eyes.

Yeah, they’ve done an episode on that too. And on the strange notion that omegas and children get shuffled off of sinking boats first when the first and _only_ time that has ever happened in the history of ever was on the Titanic. So _one_ time and apparently now that means omegas are the ruling class and alphas tremble before them. Tony kind of wishes that were true even if he doesn’t want Thor to fear him in any capacity.

“Right. So we learned helplessness because that’s how everyone treats us, by that logic. Which isn’t exactly untrue- omegas _are_ statistically less likely to step in to help people in danger but that’s not because they’re cowardly, as the early studies of this phenomenon suggested. Its because they’re more afraid they’ll get hurt than alphas and, to a point, betas. Probably because they are- also statistically- the most likely to be hurt by people they know. Alphas are more at risk from stranger danger, actually, fun fact! But omegas are ultimately the most cautious of the ABO scores because, as one lovely scholar whom I love, points out- you can’t raise omegas in a culture of fear and expect them to not be afraid. My whole life I’ve been fed stories of creepy alphas lurking in bushes looking to rape and murder me and now you expect me to stop a domestic violence incident from happening like I don’t know I’ll get my ass kicked too? Sure. Omegas do tend to call people more than betas and alphas though, but that’s mostly because the other two groups are more likely to step in themselves,” he says.

“The porn,” Val says, resulting in Thor and Tony laughing.

“Yes, tell us about the porn, Tony, and why this porn being connected to violence against omegas isn’t true,” Thor says.

Tony nods, “right, yeah. So a huge part of the reason this is false is the way the argument was worded to begin with. In the early days of ‘porn= violence against omegas’ days it wasn’t that porn was a _reflection_ of violent sexual fantasies at the cost of omegas safety, or betas safety for that matter. It was that porn _caused_ those violent fantasies.”

“So this is wrong on a technicality?” Val asks and Tony wrinkles his nose.

“Not exactly. Porn isn’t linked to violence against anyone the same way video games and violent movies aren’t. _However_ that doesn’t mean that porn isn’t an extremely exploitative industry that _does_ genuinely harm omegas- it just means that the harm isn’t coming from the existence of porn. Basically, there’s a ton of problems with the porn industry, but that porn exists isn’t one of them. Also, any fucked up shit we see in porn doesn’t exist because _porn_ , it already existed and landed itself in porn. So if people want to solve the sexual violence problem they should stop trying to prohibit porn- which isn’t even _inherently_ a bad thing- and start dealing with all the fucked up views of omega sexuality that exists outside of it. Because that’s the only reason why messed up porn exists to begin with. Also, the people who proposed this argument need to learn the difference between consensual kink and abuse,” he says. And there is a difference, despite what some groups think.

“Huh. I honestly expected that one to be true,” Thor says.

Tony shrugs, “I mean, its not really untrue as far as how the porn industry shits on people. But the fact that porn itself isn’t the problem, its everything else that _influences_ how porn is set up remains true. And I’m sure porn, to a point _does_ have some affect on how people behave sexually but a good portion of why that’s even a problem is because sex ed in America is ‘here’s a rubber, if you fuck you’ll die only do it to reproduce and also fuck the gays they’ve got AIDS.’ If we actually _educated_ people on sex and how to engage in pleasurable interactions maybe people would stop looking at porn as a fucking guide. _Just_ saying,” Tony mumbles.

“What about people who watch really weird shit. I knew a guy who was really into tentacle porn and he definitely wanted to be fucked with tentacles,” Thor says and Tony swears to god his whole face wrinkles. He’s not much of a… shame people type of guy but also… also what the fuck.

“You know what, people do weird shit. I… Thor, where do you meet these people?” he asks because this isn’t the first time this has happened.

Thor sighs, “I don’t know. But he was weird, and he made this whole alien persona, Venom, and now he’s a reporter and he’s actually very good but I can’t read his work without thinking about that time he told a friend of mine to fuck him with a tentacle and call him ‘venom.’ There’s some stuff you can’t get past,” he says, shaking his head.

“You know what, back to bad sexual education in America. Because its _really_ bad, you have no idea what kind of weird shit I’ve read about omega bodies,” Tony says, wrinkling his nose. “Also the anti porn thing totally got picked up by Christians who think sex is a sin and we all know how I feel about Christians. And Thor too I guess. Point is I’ve never heard someone who thinks sex is a sin give a well reasoned argument regarding porn, its potential effects on the population, and how to fix it. Also, those groups hate omegas just as much as they claim porn does, they literally picked up a ‘help the omegas!’ cause only to push their own agendas elsewhere. Which they do a _lot_ and that pisses me off. Just give people proper sex ed and maybe the culture towards proper sex positivity will alter the way porn is made and it won’t be you know. Like that.”

Val lets out a small noise of frustration, “and alphas need it the most. Omegas, you guys are great because you’ve been socialized to read body language and shit. You can mostly stumble around in the dark until you get to the right place with relatively good success. Betas, we’re alright, little less competent but we make up for it with enthusiasm. Alphas? Fuck, you try the same five things that make _you_ cum and ask if _we_ got off getting you off. The answer is no, ask what the fuck we like and then do it,” she says, rolling her eyes.

“Its _so_ true! Go down on an alpha and they act like you got off too,” Tony says, laughing. Thor looks _right_ confused but that’s because he happens to be an outlier.

Which Val points out. “Man, I’m sad I dumped Thor. He’s best lay I’ve ever had and now he’s with _your_ pasty ass so I can’t even make a bid to get him back. Guess its just me and my rabbit,” she mumbles.

“Petition for Thor to teach sex ed to alphas because he asks questions and pays attention to body language and when you say ‘don’t stop’ he fucking _listens_ ,” Tony says.

“ _Why do alphas always stop when you say that_!” Val says, throwing her hands up. “You had one job and you were _already_ doing it and you _still_ failed!”

“I feel sorry for all the awful encounters you’ve both had. Am I really that good just because I ask what you like and listen to your responses in bed?” Thor asks, looking slightly horrified. Tony nods and so does Val. “That is not a standard you should consider good, that should be normal. I don’t deserve this praise.”

Val lets out a long noise of defeat, “he says this, and he’s right, but he’s still the only alpha I’ve been with that’s made me cum without the use of a toy,” she mumbles.

Thor squints, “ _how_? Its takes like five seconds with oral,” he says. The fact that he’s genuinely totally baffled is what makes this whole thing funnier.

“That’s because you know how to fucking _give_ oral. Please, teach alphas your ways,” she says.

Tony nods, “I agree. I swear you’re the only alpha who hasn’t tried to just throw their dick on my face when I’m in heat like that’ll make me fuck them.” They aren’t exactly subtle either, but they think they are and that’s what makes it go from weird to insulting.

“Or they start prancing around in lingerie like _that’s_ more subtle,” Val says, shaking her head.

“You know what, if you’ve got a dick stop throwing it on people’s faces and throw some lace and a ribbon on it because I can guarantee you lady alpha’s methods of walking around in lingerie is far more successful than throwing their genitalia at people,” Tony says.

Val considers it for a moment and then nods, “yeah, that’s pretty true. I mean its not subtle, but at least it looks nice,” she says.

“No risk of pubes in the eye,” Tony adds.

Thor looks between the two of them and shakes his head. “How is it that betas and omegas standards for alphas are literally ‘be polite and listen to me in bed’ and they _still_ consistently fail at doing this? Every person I have ever dated has reacted the way you two have to me and I’m just… I’m just being a good person. This isn’t praiseworthy, this is literally the bare minimum.”

“Please, people release a mini PSA that tells alphas not to be shit people and alphas responses, en masse, was a bunch of pterodactyl screaming,” Tony points out.

“Ah yes, the message being ‘alphas, stop beating each other up, don’t engage in domestic violence, and be good parents. You can do it, because alphas are good people inside’ and apparently it was some anti- alpha campaign. No wonder omegas hate us,” Thor mumbles.

Val sighs. “Fuck me, this episode is a _mess_. First there’s Thor ranting about pagans and Christmas, then there’s some stuff about porn, then we finish it off with Thor being good in bed and not understanding why alphas can’t just be fucking nice.”

“Side note before we end off, what do you mean by porn being ‘like that.’ You know, to keep with the themes of the episode,” Thor asks.

Val obviously knows what he means because she wrinkles her nose. “I mean porn is only set up to make _alphas_ get off. I’m tired of having to dig through the god damn depths of PornHub to find porn that doesn’t have some omega very _obviously_ faking enjoying sex for the sake of their alpha partner. I have no problem with being loud in bed but fuck, don’t _fake_ it. Betas too, stop telling alphas they’re good in bed when they aren’t.”

“Oh that’s true, I have to dig too because they just don’t look like they’re really enjoying themselves. If they’re making the same noise for fifteen straight minutes you’re not doing it right,” Thor says.

“Also stop treating betas like a fetish,” Val adds.

“Oh that’s so weird that came up too! And LGBT+ people. But the connection through it all wasn’t that porn was bad in itself, it was that our trash ass opinions elsewhere made porn trash. Please treat your local betas and omegas with respect and alphas, if you want to get laid ask what your partner wants, listen to what they tell you, and prance around in lace,” Tony says. Thor and Val start laughing and yeah, okay, this episode is a disaster.

*

So their first show of the year was a disaster, that’s fine, Thor is okay with that. It happened to be one of their more popular ones pretty much because of his ranting about Yule so there’s that. But that’s not his main concern, his main concern is trying to find a decent way to propose and _no one_ has good advice.

“Maybe something bright and sparkly, Tony is dramatic, a party might work,” he says more to himself than Loki because Loki is too busy playing some shooter game that involves more zombie guts than Thor wants to be around.

“Oh great, stuff him in a room full of people so if he even _thinks_ of saying no now he’s going to look like a jackass to everyone there,” Loki mumbles, shooting another zombie.

It’s an off the cuff comment, but he’s not wrong so Thor ditches that idea. He doesn’t want to force Tony into saying anything and being in a room full of people there would be an obvious pressure to agree. So now he’s back at the beginning with this and he doesn’t even have a ring. Would Tony even _want_ a ring?

“Loki, do you think Tony would want a ring?” he asks.

“What do I look like? An expert on _your_ boyfriend? I don’t know, ask him,” Loki tells him.

“How would I do that without him figuring things out?” he asks.

“Not my problem, Thor,” Loki says.

Thor rolls his eyes, “Tony is right, I need a new brother,” he mumbles.

*

“Welcome to Things You Get Wrong, a show where we routinely ask ‘alphas, what _happened_?’ and then get yelled at about it,” Val says. “Today we’re talking about homelessness and omegas!”

She’s way too cheerful about the subject but that’s Val for you. Tony nods even though no one can see it, “and the general misconception that alphas suffer more from homelessness,” he adds.

Thor raises an eyebrow, “oh, that’s interesting. I don’t often see homeless omegas,” he says and he’s not wrong.

Tony nods. “That’s because what people are looking at is _absolute_ homelessness. Which alphas do suffer more of- but omegas aren’t _less_ likely to be homeless, they’re just more likely to find someone to… form a symbiotic relationship with for a time. Probably because omegas that are homeless are much more likely to have kids with them and also know the extreme risks of living on the streets if they don’t.”

“So as usual alphas haven’t done research,” Thor says and Tony nods.

“Yeah. Also, interestingly not a single alpha whining about how omegas are secretly the ruling class and how they actually oppress alphas ever mention that betas are also homeless in the strictest form of the term less. They’re actually less likely to be homeless in general. But alphas more than likely ignore that because they’re looking to justify their fucked up world views about hating omegas so like… depressing,” Tony mumbles.

“What do you mean by _absolute_ homelessness? Like you’re referencing terms, obviously, but I’m not sure what you mean,” Thor says, predictably having the least academic context. Used to be him when they started the show- he’s not well versed in humanities but he’s gotten quite good at reading the literature so he’s taken over research from Val. Thor… studied the classics and now works in a museum, which isn’t the kind of person Tony figured he’d end up with but he’s happy about it nonetheless.

He sighs, “right. So in academic terms people measure homelessness in a couple ways. One is absolute homelessness- people you see on the street. The other is basically a bunch of forms of partial homelessness- like you don’t have your _own_ home but you aren’t on the street. So couch surfing would count, living in a tenuous relationship with someone in order to not be on the street, or otherwise attaching yourself to people to avoid living on the street.”

Val frowns, “I imagine just attaching yourself to random people to avoid being absolutely homeless doesn’t really… _lend_ itself to uh… good situations.”

Thor’s eyes grow wide, “excellent point!” he says.

“Yeah. It uh, doesn’t. Tends to lead to a lot of abuse, which is basically why the whole ‘omegas don’t live on the street as much they don’t suffer,’” he says in a mocking tone, “is not really true in actuality. Basically they suffer abuse, just not on the street. They do tend to freeze to death less though so alphas can have that, not that they want it.” Terrible situation to be in regardless, of course- homelessness no matter the circumstances is awful.

“And they tend to have children, you said?” Thor asks.

Tony nods. “Most do, yes, and they’re already in vulnerable positions like poverty- obviously- or they’re leaving bad relationships. But if you’ve got kids you need a home otherwise they’ll be taken away. So the goal is to find a roof, _any_ roof, to keep your kids in a home. Also you know, kids on the street. They don’t do well. Frankly neither do omegas, like they die really fast on the street. I mean not all of them obviously, but you know. Yikes. Also its not like alphas live that much longer either, but they usually die of exposure over assault. Not that assault is off the table; people do terrible shit to homeless people. Reading about it was sad,” he says, wrinkling his nose.

“When I was briefly in school to be a lawyer before I realized I’d rather kill myself than be a lawyer,” Thor says far too casually, resulting in Tony and Val laughing. “Stop that, it was terrible! Anyway there were these guys that decided they were going to _taunt_ this homeless man with money and then _lit the hundred dollar bill on fire_ over giving to him. I was horrified.”

“Ten bucks says Thor bought him food,” Tony says and Thor frowns.

“How’d you know that?”

He shrugs. “Because I know you. Point is, though, that omegas _aren’t_ actually homeless less of the time, they’re just a fuck of a lot more likely to end up in really shitty relationships with people to avoid ending up in total homeless situations. Which alphas with kids do too, actually, though they are less likely to be abused. Standards of relationships are still low with them though.”

“What about betas?” Val asks, reciting what is basically a second tag line of the show.

“They’re actually the least likely to be homeless but, contrary to popular belief, they’re also the _least_ likely group to have help if they do end up on the street. Alphas have rightly pointed out the need for shelters for alphas leaving abusive situations and also homelessness though shelters for homeless alphas are more abundant than any other kind of homeless shelter. But betas straight up don’t have resources like that to address beta-specific concerns in regards to either homelessness _or_ abuse. And the research on it suggests they suffer quite a bit for it because they get jammed into alpha’s spaces or omega’s spaces when neither have the kind of help betas need.”

Val rolls her eyes, “typical.”

Tony nods, “pretty much. Canada is piloting some stuff for betas in Toronto actually, and in a couple Nordic countries they’ve started to close that gap- which is what the Canadians used as their model. But everywhere else? Nothing. Actually, that’s kind of a lie, Wakanda seems to have beta resources in a way no where else in the world does but they also appear to have a very egalitarian society between omegas and alphas so betas talking about their issues aren’t drowned out by omegas rights movements. But other than that, everywhere else sucks.”

“Hear that betas, want to be heard you gotta go to Wakanda,” Val says.

“Actually you’re a foreigner and the country is _hella_ xenophobic thanks to being closed off for so long. I got bored and did research once and was quite surprised by how near utopian the country was. I knew there would be a catch and sure enough turns out they have a really nasty Wakandan isolationist group that conveniently sits at the border of the country. They do have a fantastic education system though and their technology is off the _charts_. The xenophobia thing is a pretty big catch though.” Too bad or he would have ditched America and moved to Wakanda. They seem pretty nice.

*

Val is so unhelpful, its rude. Thor has helped her with multiple relationships and she can’t help him out this one time? “Oh come on, you must have _some_ idea of what Tony would like,” he says.

She gives him a _look_ , “so do you so maybe use your knowledge and leave me be. I’m at work,” she tells him.

She’s the _manager_ no one will care if she talks to him. “Sure I know what he likes but that doesn’t mean I know how to propose,” Thor tells her. “Loki gave me bad advice.”

“Loki stabbed you when you were eight and he was six, why do keep asking a sociopath for dating advice?” she asks.

Well, he had a point about the public proposal thing to his advice wasn’t _all_ bad. But none of it was helpful. “Val, I have a ring and I don’t know what to do with it,” he tells her. “Just help me out.”

“Remember that porn episode we did? just stick some lace on your dick, tie a little ribbon with the ring on it to it and boom, proposal!” she says, grinning.

Thor rolls his eyes, “ _Hella_ would sooner give me better advice than that.” And Hella’s solution to near everything involved a lot of rants and violence.

“Then don’t ask me for advice, I don’t know what to do here,” Val says, shrugging. “Its not like I’ve proposed before,” she points out. “Ask Rhodey.”

Thor shakes his head, “no he’s terrible at keeping things from Tony I can’t tell him. And Pepper is a busy woman, I don’t want to bother her.”

“Oh but you’ll bother me? Rude. I think lacy dick has more merit than whatever garbage Loki probably suggested,” she says.

Like that’s a hard bar to pass if Loki _had_ given him a real suggestion. “This proposal is going to be awful and its everyone else’s fault because I _tried_.”

*

Tony waves his hands around, “Welcome to Things You Get Wrong, where we promote omega supremacy- down with alphas!”

Thor snorts and starts laughing, “where did _that_ come from?”

“Twitter, as always,” Val tells him. “Seriously though, if you hear ‘alphas, you have a horrific history of abusing omegas and betas and you’re still doing it please stop’ and decide that that’s somehow going to result in the death of alphas you’re fucked up and no one should want anything to do with you.”

“What _is_ it with alphas and defining themselves by how capable and willing they are to hurt people? Especially betas and omegas but also each other. I didn’t expect a strange amount of Twitter messages mostly detailing why alphas like me are the death of us all because what, I don’t think treating omegas and betas badly is a good thing? And I think being an alpha doesn’t mean that I should have to sacrifice being soft, compassionate, and caring? The way we define alphahood is garbage and I don’t _like_ being expected to be violent and mean and sexually aggressive. I just want to watch Steven Universe and bake pastries,” Thor says.

“His pastries are good as fuck too, if you ever get a chance to eat them take it,” Tony says.

“What are we on about today?” Val says, getting back on track. “And also yeah, Thor’s pastries are a gift from the gods.”

Thor pulls a big ass pile of papers out from under his chair and Tony gives it a _look_. Usually when Thor researches he doesn’t go this hard so he’s kind of curious as to what made him choose something so… extensive. “Today we’re talking about someone we all know and love, or love to hate depending on who you are. Tony,” he says, grinning like this is the best idea he’s ever had. Val looks as unimpressed as Tony does confused. “Don’t look at me like that, we often talk about the types of people omegas are expected to be and I thought why not talk about someone who’s been shoved into almost every omega stereotype there is,” he says.

“But… I’m one of the hosts, Thor. And that’s so much paper, what the hell prompted you to do so much research you _live_ with me,” he says, baffled.

“You two have no faith. Okay. I’m going to start at the tender age of thirteen, when you first seem to show signs of disliking your fame,” Thor says to him.

“Also when I presented as an omega,” he adds. Thor nods.

“Right. So it is _amazing_ the way people reacted to this news- people changed how they wrote about you literally over night. I read articles about you pre thirteen and post and honestly you went from child prodigy who was set to rule the world to bratty little whore who’s got too many ill gotten gains. I wish I was kidding but I’m not,” he says, pulling out an old magazine article from his pile of papers. Val frowns at it too because yeah, this is a fucking weird subject _Thor_.

“Wait, does that headline literally read ‘bratty little whore’?” she asks, leaning over the table to look at the article.

Thor nods. “ _Literally_. Same author, two months before, wrote this,” he says and pulls out another article. “‘Tony Stark on top of the worl- oh yeah, that’s right when I got that NASA internship thing for a summer,” he says.

“Yes it was. When I emailed the author to ask about his blatant anti omega bias I got a snarky response that I didn’t know what I was talking about. He did not like when I sent back every article he’s ever written about you detailing the very marked difference of his perception of you pre presenting as an omega and post. Or I assume he didn’t like it because I got no response,” Thor says and holy _shit_ seriously?

“You actually emailed this guy to chew him out?” Tony asks, disbelieving.

“Damn right I did, you were barely fourteen when he called you a whore. Who does that to _children_? Who does that to _adults_?” he asks, shaking his head.

He and Val exchange a look. “Okay. Thor’s the only valid omega ally, great. What’s next,” she asks and Tony’s kind of curious too because this has taken a weird turn.

“I could go on about the creepy sexualization from the media, the way you were absolutely _mobbed_ by everyone, the way people expected you to be everything for omegas rights and also no one special at all but I’ll skip all that and into your issues with addiction. Presented young, and I can’t say I blame you for doing cocaine and drinking too much about your problems when you were treated like this. But they way people reacted,” he shakes his head again, clearly quite annoyed.

Tony’s aware, obviously, having lived it. “Yeah uh. People acted like my addiction personally offended them.”

Thor sighs, “and this came from all political sides. The political right hated you for existing while smarter than all of them and not afraid to show it and the political left hated you for what they viewed as squandering your ability to do something for omegas. And you were fifteen, with the weight of the movement for a group of people you’d done nothing but _happen_ to belong to on your shoulders. All things considered you were quite eloquent about it though. When asked about the way people viewed you habits you said ‘they don’t care about me, I’m just a fantasy. I’m either everything that’s wrong with omegas or everything they should be. There’s no room for me in there, I’m a symbol and I know that. And I hate that.’ And people seriously wondered why you drank so much?” Thor rolls his eyes, clearly annoyed with this.

Val sits back in her seat, uncomfortable, but Tony has long since grown used to this sort of thing. “Its still true. People don’t care who I am, what I do. What they care is what my image can do for them, whether or not they can use it to further their agendas. I get, at least with omegas rights, but I’ve kind of grown exhausted about caring about it.”

“Jesus _Christ_ Tony you’re a person,” Val says. “You _do_ know that, right?”

He rolls his eyes, “obviously I know that,” Tony says. He’s not _stupid_.

“I’m not actually convinced you do, not in the way someone who isn’t famous knows personhood anyway. You’ve never had a life without fame and I’ve known you a long time, long enough to know that you don’t often act like yourself. Incidentally I have a quote for that too. As we all know you became rather known for being loud and disruptive- which people either loved or hated in seemingly equal parts. In an interview someone had asked about that, your reputation and your response was ‘I’m smart okay, I’m not dumbing myself down because someone else can’t handle that I know more than them. They said it made me loud, that I was always causing problems and sticking my nose where it didn’t belong and I got sick of it. I thought fine, if they think I’m loud and annoying I’ll be as loud and annoying as I possibly can and see how they like _that_.’ Which is pretty consistent with what I know about you,” Thor says.

“I am kind of loud and annoying, no sense in denying that,” he says but Thor shakes his head.

“You’re only loud and annoying in public. In private you obviously like attention, but you’re far more reserved. More like the funny person in the group rather than the intentional shit disturber and if someone manages to get you on about science you can go for hours. You’re not exceptionally loud _or_ annoying, you just _are_.”

“I don’t know, he’s pretty loud and annoying when we play Monopoly,” Val says and Tony snorts.

“You’re just mad that I always buy the blue properties first and then you have to give me all your money,” he says.

“So?” she asks and Tony laughs.

Thor doesn’t look so amused but he’s apparently spent a weird amount of time researching his own damn boyfriend and also emailed people who used to write articles about him about their biases.

“Right. Back to your addictions. So, general consensus from most people was that you were wasting something by doing drugs. Be it potential, your ability to find a life partner because apparently that’s something an actual child needs to worry about, or company stocks in Howard’s opinion- everyone slammed you for doing something wrong. And you’re not stupid by any means, you noticed this. You did an interview for a science magazine when you were seventeen and instead of talking about your semi autonomous AI, something the world has yet to recreate, you ended up goaded into talking about your supposedly ill gotten gains. You said ‘doesn’t matter what I do people hate me for it. I could go outside right now and say dogs are the best and someone will chew me out because a dog once murdered their mother. I don’t care if people think I’m squandering my intelligence, its mine to do what I want with. I made a semi autonomous AI, something no one has ever seen before, and I’m still viewed as wasteful. What the fuck do you want? What do you want?’ Except fuck was obviously starred out,” Thor says.

Shit, Tony doesn’t even remember half of this stuff. Its been a long time though, not really in years, but in how much he’s changed since then. “Yikes,” Val says. “I kind of want to wrap child you in a coat.”

“Yeah, it doesn’t really get better. We all know about your public breakdown, very Brittany Spears, and obviously we learned about as much from you as we did with Brittney. You said things like ‘I’m so damn sick of being some fantasy people are projecting into’ and ‘I just want one fucking day of peace without someone up my ass’ and everyone seemed to take that to mean that you were a spoiled little slut that people let run wild too long when at this point- you’re twenty one- you’ve dated three people. Two of which were openly abusive to you, mind, there’s actual video evidence of this so why the hell anyone believed anything _they_ had to say about you I have no clue,” Thor says, tone saying more than his words.

Sunset and Tiberius Tony knows. Third was Rhodey, briefly, and clearly he wasn’t abusive. But Tony couldn’t handle a relationship at that point in his life, he hadn’t been sure he could handle it when Thor showed up. His niceness made him twitchy, made him wonder when things were going to go wrong. They haven’t obviously because Thor is genuinely a nice person and boy does it piss him off that _that_ put him off for so long. The concept of someone being nice was so foreign that he didn’t really know what to do with it. At that point all he had for good relationships was Rhodey and Pepper kind of, but they’ve only grown closer over the last couple years. Presumably, Tony guesses, because he’d been shown that relationships with people who aren’t Rhodey don’t have to suck.

“This is… getting awkward,” Val says after a beat of silence. “But kind of follows most patterns we see of omegas being burned by the limelight they’re stuck in.”

“Well, the good news is that even though everyone sucks Tony goes to rehab and comes out an even bigger badass than he was before. Seriously, you have so many quotable things to say. I want half these quotes on my walls but we live together and if I did that some idiot would immediately assume _you_ decided to quote yourself on the walls and there’d be fifty articles about how you’re a narcissistic asshole who needs to be taken down a peg,” Thor says, correctly predicting what that reaction would be.

“Most quotable thing, go,” Val says.

Thor grins, “alright, so you were doing an interview about a year and a half ago. Not long after we started dating. Anyway, the interviewer asked- because this was right when a bunch of those sex scandals came out- about what he described as a witch hunt. First of all you laughed for so long and so hard that everyone was deeply uncomfortable, which I admire. And then you whip out _this_ : ‘witch hunt? What fucking hunt? All we want is equality and you should be fucking lucky that’s all we want.’ The interviewer asks what else you could want and you say ‘revenge.’ This needs to be in a movie, Slasher-esk, where omegas literally start lighting alphas who assault them on fire for their crimes. Name it ‘Witch Hunt’ and show the world alphas think they live in,” he says, laughing.

“For that to be a thing the omegas would just be torching them for nothing,” Val points out.

“Fine, tell them its for all the years that omegas were tortured and tormented for existing like that. If they _really_ want a world where the roles are reversed,” Thor shrugs. “To be clear I am not advocating for that before some idiot decides to whine. But we see this all the time in movies- the asshole gets their comeuppance for being a trash person to the protagonist so if you can accept it there learn to accept your comeuppance in real life. And omegas. Please don’t light anyone on fire.”

“Light property on fire, not people,” Tony says, earning a sharp laugh out of Val.

“Yes, light Justin Hammer’s house on fire,” Thor says. “Anyway, back to you and your absolute badassery. You seem a lot more stable with the goings on of the media when you leave rehab even though the opinions of you don’t shift at _all_. Seriously, people have a bizarre obsession with you and I don’t understand it. You handle the strange preoccupation with your life much better than I ever would to be honest. My second favorite quoteable moment is when some random pap asked you about what I thought of your attitude and you yelled something to the affect of thinking you’re lovely because I’m not an idiot who thinks that you’re an inflatable fuck doll, you come with a personality too. People hated it, thought it was crude an unnecessary but that _is_ what people think about you, that you’re their fantasy come to life. Sounds awful to me.”

Sure it is, when you haven’t made peace with it and when you have no real support system aside from one guy who can’t possibly bear the weight of all your problems. “You help, you know. And having friends that don’t suck,” he says.

“Aw, wholesome! Stop treating omega celebrities like shit!” Val says in an overly chipper tone.

“Oh, another one of my favorite things that you’ve said was after that very brief stint you had with Hammer-”

“Why would you even _say_ that, you know how much time I’ve spent blocking that out of my mind?” he asks. Ugh, there’s not enough drugs in the world to strip that away.

Thor laughs. “Sorry, but your reaction is just _so_ good. People were all ‘you’re a gold digging whore’ and you were like ‘I’m richer, what the fuck’ and they were like ‘you’re full of yourself!’ And you were like ‘no I just know how to read numbers on my bank account and they’re higher than Hammer’s’ and then you actually _won_ your lawsuit against him worth six million dollars for wasting your time. That _amazes_ me,” he says.

“I think that’s one of the things about me that’s gone down in history as me being the literal devil,” Tony says.

“Because you were so petty that, in a court of law, an impartial official ruled in your favor? Honestly that lawsuit was a joke, you clearly only did it to be a nuisance. How were you to know that Hammer must have been so terribly annoying that the judge hated him more than you did?” Thor asks.

Tony shrugs, “because clearly I run the world illuminati style with the way everything _happens_ to go my way,” he says.

Thor throws his hands up, “oh I could do at least three more episodes on how people just _pretend_ like your success is a total coincidence! God damn _journalists_ ,” he snaps.

“Worse than the Christians who stole Yule?” he asks and Thor lets out a loud huff.

“Oh I am not through with those Christians, I don’t care that this happened like two thousand or so years ago or whatever. You worship a book older than that so don’t you call _me_ petty!” he says in a huff.

Val and Tony double over laughing because wow, Thor really is the best.

*

He doesn’t know how to do this and his damn research only pissed him off with how badly Tony has been treated. Now there were certainly points where he dished it back and went too far with it, but frankly after all the bullshit that happened until that point Thor is inclined to forgive him for his stupid reactions. Helps that at least he _learned_ from them. “Tony,” he says and Tony turns, smiling when he sees him there. “Hold out your hand,” he says.

Tony frowns but does it after a moment of hesitation. Thor pulls the box from his pocket and sticks it in his hand, “I don’t know how to propose so just take it. If you want it,” he adds, not wanting Tony to feel pressured.

For a second Tony looks stunned. “Wait. You’re… seriously? Is this why you researched my entire life?”

“I couldn’t figure out how to propose well and no one was any help,” he says in his defense.

“You could have asked Rhodey,” Tony says and Thor sighs.

“Could not, he’s got too big a mouth. He’d tell you. So I did some research and I still came up empty,” he says.

Tony looks down at the box, gasping a little when he opens it. “Its pretty,” he says.

“Its simple and boring but I didn’t even know if you’d _want_ a ring given that you work with your hands a lot, and-” he’s cut off as Tony kisses him and that’s probably good. He was probably about to rant and he’s been reliably informed that he never shuts up when he gets going. But its Loki who says that so maybe he’s wrong.

“Its fine, Thor,” Tony tells him.

“So is that a yes?” he asks and Tony laughs.

“Thor, you sent a scathing email citing your sources to a guy who wrote articles about me when I was a kid. Hell _yeah_ I’m marrying you. Plus if I don’t I’m not convinced Val won’t attempt to win you back, she really does appreciate a good sex life,” he adds.

He shakes his head, “I’m not sure I could be with anyone else but you,” he says honestly. And he likes it that way.

**Author's Note:**

> [My writing Tumblr](https://tenspencerriedplease.tumblr.com/)


End file.
